


The Nutcracker Conspiracy

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 2017 ShieldShock Christmas fic exchange, Crack, F/M, Fluff, I had way too much fun with this y'all, Loki tries, ShieldShock - Freeform, Who needs a fairy godmother when your best bro is the god of mischief, christmas shenanigans, not very hard but he tries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-18 16:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13104366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: There are harmless pranks, and then there are elaborate, magic-fueled alternate realities crafted by aliens with questionable moral compasses and way too much time on their hands.It says sad things about Darcy's life that she's more familiar with the latter.





	The Nutcracker Conspiracy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unicorn_Lady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unicorn_Lady/gifts).



> So this is the prompt I went with: 
> 
> Loki turns various Avengers into Toys and Darcy gets a Nutcracker experience when she receives a very realistic Captain America action figure.... (Loki and Darcy are bros but he wishes Steve would get on with it and ask Darcy out)
> 
> I had a BLAST. It was so much fun, and I hope you enjoy. Merry Christmas!

Darcy loved Christmas.  The lights, the decorations, the presents, all of it.  Her traditions were many and varied—she started listening to Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving, she started baking her way through her Christmas recipes the first of December, and she made it her personal mission to watch every version of _ A Christmas Carol _ known to man (including the Doctor Who version, natch). But her absolute favourite tradition was the  _ Nutcracker _ .

Like many girls, Darcy dreamt of being a ballerina when she was little.  The fact that she hadn't had a single lesson in her life never stopped her from running around in a fluffy tutu and twirling until she fell over.  Or threw up, whichever came first.  

There was a period, never to be spoken of in Tony's presence, of about a year where she wore nothing but tutus.  The ballerina magic kind of died after that, probably because tutus aren’t the most practical—or comfortable—daily wear.  But it didn't stop her from attending at least one performance a year and grinning like a loon the entire night.

The only person who knew of her...passion…was Loki. It was less a matter of confiding in him and more a matter of him walking in on her sobbing as she watched the old  _ Nutcracker Prince _ cartoon and being sworn to secrecy on pain of being locked in one of Stephen's portal loops for all eternity.  

There were two people especially who could never know of her  _ Nutcracker  _ obsession. Tony, obviously, since the man did _ not _ need any new teasing material, and Steve.  For reasons.

She'd stopped shy of actually making Loki swear a blood oath, but she did promptly pull him down and made him watch it with her from the beginning.  He'd rolled his eyes, but she could tell he'd enjoyed it.

What she couldn't tell, probably because she'd gone back to sniffling into the stuffed bilgesnipe Thor had given her for her birthday, was that Loki spent as much time eyeing her speculatively as he did watching the movie.

* * *

 

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Tower, not a creature was stirring, except for Darcy Lewis.

Which, quite frankly, was freaking her out.  With all the assorted neurosis that came with saving the world, there should have been _ someone _ awake.  Tony worked in his lab at all hours, unless Pepper bodily dragged him to bed (usually after drugging his coffee and having JARVIS lock him out of everything).  Clint played video games with Sam until their eyes were bloodshot (though Sam  _ was _ spending Christmas with his mom, so he got a pass.  This time.), Nat was a night owl anyway, and Darcy was pretty sure that Bruce never actually slept, just existed on green tea and meditation.

As for Bucky and Steve, their sleep cycles were so messed up from their respective freezings that they could be spokespeople for non-24.  If sighted supersoldiers could even be spokespeople for non-24.

She shook her head.  The quiet was getting to her.

She pushed into the common room, intent on the kitchen.  Nothing drew those weirdos out of the woodwork like an industrial-sized batch of Clara Lewis’ hot chocolate, guaranteed to make the grinchiest of hearts grow three sizes after one sip (family lore held that Basil Lewis had proposed the first time Clara made it for him.  She’d also dunked him in a frozen pond beforehand, but that was beside the point).  

In the corner, the lights of the team Christmas tree twinkled softly, its branches weighed down with the most obnoxious Avengers-themed ornaments Tony could buy.  And that man could buy a lot of ornaments.  On a low table next to the tree was the team menorah, each branch shaped like a tiny Avenger—Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Falcon, and Bucky Barnes, with Iron Man in the middle.

It was a little-known fact that Tony's true weakness was Avengers merchandise.  Especially tacky Avengers merchandise, the tackier the better.

A package under the tree caught her eye and she frowned.  They’d already had their gift exchange, so it had no business sitting there so innocently.  There were strict rules against extra gifts, since some people (Tony) were known to spend a literal fortune in gag gifts if not closely monitored, while others (Thor) had absolutely no concept of restraint and would shower everyone with priceless artifacts from all nine realms.

She edged toward it, half-convinced it would explode if she touched it.  It seemed benign enough, only about six inches long and four inches wide and wrapped in the special-edition Captain America paper patterned with red, white, and green shields on a silver background.  Nothing happened when she poked it with a single finger.  So far so good.  Hefting it gently, she flipped over the tag tied to the bow.   _ Merry Christmas, Darcy, _ it read.   _ Open immediately! _

She bit her lip.  Odds were it was from someone in the Tower.  Maybe they’d forgotten to put it out earlier.  Or it could even be something her parents had mailed, though it was odd that their names weren’t on the tag.  But surely even HYDRA wouldn’t be so evil as to disguise a bomb as a present, right?  Even if they did, there was no way it could have gotten past the Tower security.  She should probably wait and let Helen put it through her high-tech x-ray machine, but…

She was curious.  And patience had never been her strong suit.

Cautiously, she tore open the wrapping.  It took a minute to register what she was seeing, but when it sunk in, she pulled the rest of the paper off with a grin.  It was a Captain America action figure, just like the one she’d had as a kid.  Okay, fine,  _ technically _ it was her brother’s, but Bennet had the entire set of the Howling Commandos, not to mention three different versions of Captain America himself, and he hadn’t even noticed when she’d...appropriated one of them.  It might have signaled the start of her hopeless infatuation with Steve Rogers, but she’d never breathe a word.  There were few things in the world more awkward than meeting your unattainable childhood crush and finding out he was both more down-to-earth and further out of reach than she could imagine.  But it was all good.  They were friends, and she was confident he had no idea that she’d been desperately in love with him since she was twelve.  He’d yet to throw himself off the Tower without a parachute, after all.

She gently freed the toy from his packaging.  ‘Hey there, soldier.  You wanna get a drink with me?’  Fixing his shield in his hand as she carried him to the kitchen, she added, ‘Hot chocolate with a Captain America doll.  Sorry, action figure.  Probably the closest I’ll get to a date with the real thing.’

In the kitchen, she posed him on the island next to the coffeemaker before turning to start the hot chocolate.  ‘I gotta say, man, kudos to whoever designed you.  Nobody’s as cute as Steve, but you come pretty darn close.’  She flashed him a grin over her shoulder—because hey, if she was going to be alone on Christmas Eve, then she could carry on a conversation with a toy if she felt like it—and froze, blinking.  The toy was gone.  ‘What the what?’

She turned off the heat—because the last thing she needed was to burn down the Tower because she’d left the hot chocolate unattended—and edged towards the island.  ‘Guys?  C’mon, this isn’t funny.  People who try to scare the Science!gremlin don’t get chocolatey goodness.  I don’t make the rules.  Wait, actually, I do.’  She jumped around the island, hoping to startle Clint or Tony or whoever was pranking her.

No one was pranking her.  Or if they were, they had  _ killer _ special effects.

On the floor on the far side of the island the Captain America figure was fighting an army of mice.  They were dressed in armour that looked like it was made from lizard hides, and they wielded tiny weapons that looked like they’d been stolen from Lord of the Rings collectables.  Mini-Steve threw his shield, sending it ricocheting off his opponents just like the full-sized version, and she could practically hear the Epic Battle Music playing in the background.

‘What in the name of the Sugar Plum Fairy is going on?’ Darcy demanded, making the toy whirl around.

The rest of the action froze as if somebody had hit pause.  Well, except for one unfortunate mouse who was in the path of Cap’s shield.  He fell over with a whimper as the toy caught the shield without looking away from Darcy.  ‘Darcy!’ the toy exclaimed.  ‘I can explain!’  He frowned.  ‘Actually no, I can’t.’

Darcy blinked.   _ ‘Steve? _  Why are you fun-sized?’

He shrugged helplessly.  ‘I have no idea.  The last thing I remember is working on some sketches in my room, and then the next thing I know I’m four inches tall, plastic, and standing on the counter.’

‘Did somebody spike my hot chocolate?’  She glared at the pot on the stove.  ‘I barely even tasted it.’

‘You haven’t been drugged.  This is real, unfortunately.  But I promise, I’ll figure out what’s going on and—Darcy, look out!’  He ran forward, probably intent on tackling her out of the way.  He’d obviously forgotten that a four-inch-tall action figure wouldn’t be very effective against a 5’3” woman, and only succeeded in plastering himself against her ankle.  Thus, Darcy hadn’t moved at all when the mouse scout who’d climbed up on the island while they were talking threw a small, glowing green orb at her, catching her perfectly in the shoulder.

‘Hey!  Not cool, dude!’ she yelped.  Then yelped again, as a wave of dizziness washed over her.  When it passed, Steve was no longer hugging her ankle, but sprawled on top of her.

They stared at each other in shock for a long minute.  ‘Uh, hi,’ she said slowly.  

He flashed her that cute lopsided grin, making her stomach flip.  ‘Hey.’

‘Does this mean you’re back to normal?’  Even as she said it, she knew she was wrong.  There was still a distinctly plastic cast to his skin, and she could see the joints where his arms connected to his shoulders.

‘’Fraid not.’  He climbed off her and held out a hand to pull her to her feet.

Once she was upright, she got a proper look at her surroundings.  ‘Sweet Shire full of Hobbits, why am  _ I _ fun-sized?!’

The mouse army had recovered from its collective surprise at Darcy’s presence and was advancing on them.  Steve grabbed his shield and pulled her behind him.  ‘I think it’s because of whatever that scout threw at you.  Be glad you’re just shrunk and not plastic,’ he added, rapping his head for emphasis.

‘Are you saying I should be grateful for,’ she snickered, ‘ _ small favours?’ _

That startled a laugh from him.  ‘Something like that.’  He raised his shield to block the swing of a mouse soldier.

Darcy took a minute to admire his fighting style before remember she wasn’t helpless.  ‘I’ll tell you what I’m grateful for,’ she said, pulling her taser from its holster.  ‘That Palpatine shrunk along with me.  It’s a Christmas miracle!’  The spell or whatever-it-was hadn’t diminished the taser’s effectiveness, and she was able to stun a mouse that was trying to sneak up on them from behind.  ‘Hah!  Take that, Micky!’

‘Nice!  But I’m afraid your taser and my shield won’t last long against these mice.  We need help.’

‘Did somebody call for help?’  There was a roar of an engine, and Darcy looked up to see a toy race car zoom across the floor from the tree.   Clinging to its roof were a teddy bear, a delicate redheaded china ballerina, a pair of rockem sockem robots, and what looked like a Legolas action figure.  As the car reached the back of the army, its passengers threw themselves at the mice while it transformed into a flashy red and gold robot.

Darcy suspected that her expression matched the dazed look on Steve’s face.  ‘Is that who I think it is?’

Steve was watching the bear shoot at the mice with a nerf gun as the ballerina waded into the army, leveling her opponents with kicks and twists and the occasional headlock with her thighs.  The green rockem sockem was flattening mice left and right, while the purple one hovered at the edge of the battle looking awkward.  The Legolas figure had climbed up onto one of the barstools and was shooting plastic arrows into the fray, and the transformer was hovering over everything and laying down a hail of foam discs.  ‘I think so, yeah.’

With reinforcements, the battle quickly turned to a route.  The mice scattered back to whatever holes they had come from, and the new toys came over to where Darcy and Steve were gaping at them.  

‘Shut your mouth, punk,’ the bear growled.  ‘You’ll catch flies.  And at this size, a fly would choke you.’

‘Bucky?’ Steve asked dumbly.

‘I ain’t Santa Claus.’

Darcy snorted and elbowed Steve.  ‘Now you know how  _ I _ feel.’

‘Does somebody maybe want to tell me what’s going on?’  The Legolas figure swung down from the stool, and Darcy could see now that his features were Clint’s.  Which was just plain disturbing, especially when you were expecting stylized Orlando Bloom.

‘Magic,’ the green rockem sockem grunted with Hulk’s eloquence.

‘Or science,’ offered the purple one—Bruce, it had to be.  ‘But I haven’t been working on anything that could cause this…’ he trailed off, and everyone glared accusingly at the transformer.

‘Hey, don’t blame  _ me _ .  The only project I’ve been working on is Pepper’s Christmas present.’  Darcy cocked her head, and Tony crossed his arms.  ‘I’m  _ not _ telling you what it is.  The lot of you are lousy at keeping secrets.’

Darcy shrugged.  ‘Fair enough.  Jane’s spending whatever passes for Christmas on Asgard with Thor, so she’s in the clear.  But  _ somebody _ had to do this, and I don’t think it was by accident.’

‘Magic,’ Hulk repeated darkly.

‘Magic or not,’ Nat said conversationally as she leaned a china forearm against Bucky’s elbow, ‘I’m going to  _ murder _ whoever is responsible for this.  Slowly.  They will suffer.’

‘I’ll help you, doll,’ Bucky offered, and it was all Darcy could do not to laugh.  Because really, a china ballerina and a teddy bear plotting death and destruction was  _ adorable. _  Not to mention the irony of a doll calling another doll, well,  _ doll _ .  Whoever  _ was  _ responsible had a truly twisted sense of humour, and Darcy almost admired them.

Clint leaned over and poked her with one of his plastic Legolas knives.  ‘What about your friend Doctor Weird?  He does magic.’

She swatted it away.  ‘I think Stephen would be the first person to say that he has better things to do than prank us with some crazy Nutcracker spell.’  That  _ did _ give her the niggling sense that she was missing something, something important...

‘If we’re under a spell or something, how do we break it?’  Steve voiced the question they were all thinking.

Darcy, who’d spent much too much of her life watching Once Upon a Time, lifted a shoulder.  ‘Every fairytale ever agrees that the best way to break a spell is with true love’s kiss.’  She waved at Nat and Bucky.  ‘Maybe you two could, um, y’know…’

Bucky smirked at her, which looked really weird on his teddy bear face.  ‘Hate to break it to you, Darce, but I don’t think we’re the ones who are gonna break this spell.’  He waggled his embroidered eyebrows at her as he slung an arm around Nat’s shoulders.

Darcy glanced at Steve, who was studying his shield as if he’d never seen it before.  Plastic couldn’t blush, but she was blushing enough for both of them.  ‘I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…’ she said, glaring at Bucky.

‘It couldn’t hurt.’  Darcy’s gaze snapped back to Steve, who was approaching her with a strangely determined look on his face.  ‘It’s not like we have a whole lot of options.’

She snorted.  ‘Well when you put it like that.’

Steve raised his hands.  ‘Wait, no, I didn’t mean it that way!’

Bucky groaned.  ‘Just kiss her already, punk!’

Nat shoved Darcy from behind, making her stumble into Steve’s arms.  Her hands automatically went to his shoulders.  ‘We really don’t have to do this,’ she told him quietly.

‘I want to,’ he replied, just as softly.  His hand came up to cup her cheek.  ‘Is that alright?’

She’d barely nodded before he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.  At first, it was unpleasant, nothing like she’d imagined kissing Steve would be like.  His lips were hard and cold and, well,  _ plastic. _  But then they warmed and softened, and she sighed into his mouth as his arms tightened around her.

Now  _ this _ was more like it.

They kissed until she was dizzy, and the only thing holding her up was her grip on Steve’s shoulders and his arm at her waist.  When they finally came up for air, the certainty that everything was back to normal was secondary to the warmth in Steve’s eyes and the gentle pressure of his thumb as he caressed her cheek.

‘Hi,’ she said breathlessly.

He grinned, resting his forehead against hers.  ‘Hey.  I’m going to kiss you again.’ 

‘Okay.’  That was  _ so _ not a problem.  She pulled him closer, ignoring Tony's theatrical gagging and Clint's wolf whistle.  As their lips brushed, she whispered, ‘Now that's what I call a Christmas miracle.’

**Author's Note:**

> Sam couldn't decide if he was glad he'd been visiting his mom and missed everything or upset he'd been visiting his mom and missed everything.
> 
> Once Darcy realized Loki was behind the mischief, she swore vengeance swift and terrible. The Avengers were more than happy to pitch in, and Thor promised not to protect him. Tony was relieved to find out the the army was part of the spell and the Tower did not, in fact, have a mice infestation.
> 
> Darcy has since assimilated Steve into her holiday traditions, and he loves all of it.
> 
> Merry Christmas to all!


End file.
